Sacrifice
by mw138
Summary: It's disturbing how my selfish acts tore something so beautiful apart, but it's amazing is how his one selfless act brought everything into perspective. Sacrifice is common in life, but never did I think his sacrifice would mean so much.
1. Hurt

**A/N: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**I wrote this a few months ago as part of a planned multi-chapter story. After months of sitting in my files, I've decided to just go ahead and post this as a one-shot. It stands pretty well on it's own and I hope you enjoy it! :)**

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><p><em>I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do.<br>And I've hurt myself by hurting you._

_- Christina Aguilera  
>Hurt<em>

I opened my front door to see Dad, Mom and Jake standing before me; each of them displaying grim looks that could make your blood run cold. I looked from one person to the next, but each of them refused to meet my eyes.

"What's going on," I asked.

"May we come in," Dad asked gently.

I took a few steps back to allow them access. They each walked in slowly and moved to the living room. As I closed the door, Jake half smiled at me. I could tell it wasn't a smile of joy, but one of placation.

Mom sat down on the couch and asked me to sit next to her. The way everyone was acting caused my nerves to fray.

_Why won't they just say what's going on?_

"Edward, please sit next to your mother."

My breathing picked up because Dad was using his 'physician's voice'. I had heard it so many times throughout my life; while he spoke to his patients, when he spoke to the doctors at the rehab center and when he first met Jake, my sponsor. It was that soothing, unemotional voice that meant something serious was usually right around the corner.

"Just tell me why you're all here!"

"Edward, please," Mom pleaded.

I nodded my head and sat next to her. She took my hand in hers and gently squeezed. Dad came and sat next to me while Jake sat off to the side in one of the chairs.

_If these people don't tell me what's going in the next 15 seconds, I'm going to kick them all out!_

Dad inched closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Have you watched the news at all today?"

I shook my head. "No, I've just been reading and…thinking."

Jake spoke up. "What have you been thinking about? Are you feeling stressed?"

I sighed knowing what Jake was getting at.

"No, Jake, I didn't feel the need to use. I was just thinking about…him and what happened the last time we saw each other."

My mother's breath hitched and when I looked at her she had tears pooling in her eyes, making them shimmer with immense sadness. My heart always broke when I saw my mother cry, and seeing it made me feel the sting of tears in my own eyes.

"Mom," I asked with a shaky voice.

"Son," Dad began, "something happened and we all wanted to be here when you received the news."

"Okay," I said very slowly.

"There's been a shooting at a coffee shop in Austin. A random person walked into the place, said something about America going to hell and started shooting the innocent people inside."

My heart thundered in my chest. Jasper was in Austin and he loved coffee, but there were hundreds of coffee shops in that city.

"That's too bad," I said. "I hope the people are alright. Are you going down there to help out or something?"

He shook his head and took a deep breath. When he looked up at me, he had tears in his eyes. I lost it.

"NO," I screamed and tried to stand.

Jake immediately stood up and grabbed a hold of my shoulders.

"Edward, calm down! Just listen to your parents."

My mind was frantic. I looked from him to Dad to Mom and back again to Jake. A thousand and one thoughts raced through my mind: Jasper can't be dead! He's the love of my life, but I pushed him away. I hurt him.

_I hurt him._

_He tried to support and love me when I was fucked up and I hurt him terribly._

_I told him I wished he was…dead._

My hands started shaking uncontrollably as I slowly sat back down on the couch. Mom reached up and wiped away the tears I hadn't even realized had fallen. I looked into her eyes and silently pleaded for her to tell me everything was okay, that Jasper was okay.

Her silence was deafening.

A strangled sob escaped from my lips as I tightly squeezed my eyes shut and my mother pulled me into her arms.

_If I could just make myself wake up from this nightmare, everything would be okay._

Dad lightly placed his hand on my shoulder and continued.

"Jasper's parents called after they were contacted about his condition. According to them, when the shooter started opening fire, Jasper tried to protect two children a couple of tables down from him. In an effort to get them to safety, Jasper was shot twice in the chest. They're calling him a hero because the children walked away completely uninjured. Unfortunately, nine others weren't so fortunate."

Sobs emanated from my chest as I screamed out in pain. My mother held me tighter and rubbed my back just as she had when I was younger and scraped my knee. Only this time the pain was a infinitely worse. My heart, which was already broken, shattered into thousands of sharp, jagged pieces.

"He can't be gone. He can't be gone," I chanted over and over again.

My father continued giving me the horrific details, but suddenly his calm demeanor cracked.

His voice shook as he said, "He's been transported to a hospital and the doctors have managed to stabilize him, but it's still too early to tell if he'll make it or not."

"He's still alive, right," I asked in a voice that sounded so odd and foreign.

"Yes, and I plan on flying down to meet with his parents and see if there's anything I can do to help. He's like a son to me and…well, I should be there for him."

I slowly sat back up and looked at my father, noticing the anguish etched across his face. His eyes were red and his face was drawn. He cleared his throat and blinked his eyes a few times to keep his own tears from falling.

"I'm going with you," I whispered.

He nodded his head knowing there was no question that I needed to be by Jasper's side.

"I'll book our flights and call you with the details. Hopefully I'll be able to get the first flight out of Sea-Tac for the three of us."

I sat in between my parents and stared blankly into space. I couldn't speak or think or even nod my head. All I knew was that I needed to get to Jasper and hoped like hell that he wouldn't be taken away from me again. I'd lost him once, by my own doing, but not again. I had to make things right with him.

After giving me another hug, my parents left to make our travel arrangements while Jake stayed behind. I still hadn't moved from my spot on the couch, so he walked over and sat next to me.

"Edward," he said apprehensively, "tell me what you're thinking."

Another tear slid down my cheek as I tried to come up with the right words to describe my despair. Unable to do so, I just shook my head and looked down at my still shaking hands.

"I know this is fucking hard for you, but you can't keep your feelings bottled up. You and Alistair have spoken about this at length during your sessions."

I slowly moved my eyes from where they were transfixed on my hands and back to nothingness. The words just wouldn't come out. The only thing my body could manage at this point was crying and trembling.

"Please," he pleaded.

I don't know what made me do it, but my eyes suddenly moved to my mantle and rested on my picture of Jasper. He was smiling broadly and looked like he was having the time of his life. His golden hair was blowing in the wind and his nose was slightly scrunched from laughter. It was one of my favorite pictures of him that I took when we were together and I couldn't bear to put it away after we parted. He was so beautiful and happy, but now he was lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

_They're calling him a hero because the children walked away completely uninjured._

"That's just like Jasper," I finally said. "He risked his own life to save others."

"From what you've told me, he seems like a great man. His sacrifice only cements that."

My head shot up and I glared at Jake.

"Sacrifice? Do _NOT_ talk about him as if he's dead, Jake."

Jake's eyes widened.

"Shit! I didn't mean it like that, Edward. I'm sorry."

Fresh tears fell as reality started to set in.

_Jasper could die._

_He may never wake up._

_He will never fully understand how sorry I am for the way I treated him close to a year ago._

_He'll never know that in my effort to hurt him, I ended up hurting myself tenfold._

_He'll never again hear me tell him I love him._

I took a deep breath and found my voice once again.

"What if I lose him forever? What will I do?"

Jake pulled me into a hug and I held on to him tightly as if he was my lifeline. He didn't answer my questions. How could he? He did the only thing he could at that time. He sat with me.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x_

Dad managed to book our flights for the following day at 7:00 a.m. I'm sure I was a sight to behold when they came to pick me up because I hadn't slept at all the night before. I didn't even bother going to bed. I just sat in my room and looked at old pictures of me and Jasper when we were happy. I had to keep myself occupied with something or else I'd go mad. If I allowed myself to think about the possibility that he might die, I'd surely lose it.

The night before, Jake convinced me to call Alistair, my therapist, to let him know what was going on. Alistair encouraged me to not hold things in and remain strong for Jasper and asked me to check in with him each evening so he knew where I was emotionally. He also encouraged me to contact Jake if I felt the urge to use. Such stressful times can often tempt former addicts to relapse and he wanted to ensure I had the support I needed. I agreed easily.

By some miracle I managed to fall asleep on the plane; my body exhausted both physically and emotionally. I dreamed that I saw Jasper happy and healthy. He glowed as he stood before me. I was so overtaken by his presence that I ran and threw my arms around him. Our bodies collided and caused him to make an "oomph" sound as he laughed in my ear and held me close.

I turned my nose into his neck and breathed him in.

"Jasper, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Please!"

"Hey," he said while pulling back slightly, "it's okay."

"No it isn't, Jasper! I blamed you for all of my problems and said some terrible things when all you were trying to do was help me. You loved me and threw it all away."

His face fell and his mouth formed a hard line.

"I have to go," he said as he suddenly turned his back to me.

I became frantic trying to grab on to any part of him to ensure he didn't leave.

"No, Jasper! No!"

"Edward, I have to."

"No you don't! I need you here with me!"

He continued to walk away from me as I screamed and cried.

"Jasper, I love you! Please don't leave me! PLEASE!"

He turned around and looked deep into my eyes.

"I'll always love you, Edward. I'm so proud of you."

I sighed contently and closed my eyes as I felt his hand brush against my cheek.

"Please don't forget me," he whispered.

My eyes shot open and I watched him slowly evaporate. I reached out and where there had been flesh and bone was now just air and the memory of him. A cold shiver ran down my spine as I fell to my knees and let out an anguished cry.

I jolted awake and looked around in a frenzy. Dad, who was sitting next to me, grabbed my forearm and asked if I was okay. I couldn't breathe. The walls were closing in on me and there was nowhere to go. My body shook violently and I faintly heard my mother in the background, sounding like she was speaking under water.

"Carlisle, he's having a panic attack!"

My vision blurred and I felt as though I was spinning round and round. I continued to struggle for a single breath, but my lungs just would not cooperate. In the distance I could hear Dad telling me that I was safe and that I just had a bad dream, but there was something eerily prophetic about that so-called dream. Jasper seemed so real and I could feel him in my arms; I could feel his warm hand on my cheek. Worst of all, I could feel the finality in his words.

_Please don't forget me._

I gripped my armrests tightly as fear ripped through me.

"He's gone," I said.

"What," Dad asked.

I tried to take a deep breath, but my body revolted against me.

"I-I saw him in my dream. He told me he loves me and that he's proud of me. And…"

"And what, dear," my mother broke in.

"H-he asked me not to forget him."

"Edward, it was just a dream. We're almost in Austin now and you'll be able to see Jasper. It was just a dream, son."

I shook my head in disbelief.

_He's gone._

_Jasper is gone._

I suddenly felt very relaxed as the world around me went black.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x_

After I came to and the plane landed, the flight attendants were nice enough to let me and my parents get off of the plane first. Dad reassured them that he was a physician and that we were headed straight to the hospital, so there was no need to call for an ambulance. My entire body ached and my heart was heavy, but I knew my dream meant something no matter how much my parents tried to tell me otherwise.

As we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I was practically buzzing with the urge to run into the building and find Jasper. Dad had to remind me to be patient and that we may not even be able to see him given the extent of his injuries.

"Are you sure you want to do this," he asked me quietly.

I nodded my head.

"I have to see him, Dad. I have to make sure he's okay."

"How are you feeling? Should I take to you the emergency room first to have you checked out?"

"I'll be fine once I see Jasper."

He nodded his head and looked at me for a moment before leading us into the building.

We walked up to the front desk and my father literally changed from Carlisle, husband and father, into Dr. Cullen, Chief of Surgery. It was amazing to see the subtle changes, which I likened to Clark Kent changing into Superman. In many ways, my father was Superman to me.

The nurse quickly directed us to Jasper's floor. I couldn't help but notice the TV news trucks that were parked outside; a reminder of the tragedy that occurred, the lives already lost and of the hero who was fighting for his life on the fourth floor.

Stepping off of the elevator, I felt a sense of dread. I wanted to stay positive, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I shook my head and chastised myself. I needed to be strong for Jasper. He was always the strong one in our relationship while I was overly emotional and sensitive. It was my turn to man up and be the man Jasper needed me to be, the one he deserved.

We walked into the waiting room and were immediately greeted by Jasper's parents, Peter and Charlotte. As Dad shook Peter's hand, Charlotte approached and wrapped her arms tightly around me. I squeezed her tighter than I intended, but she was the closest thing to Jasper at the moment and I was too overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into her shoulder as I began to cry.

"Shhh. He'll appreciate you being here."

I pulled back in shock. "He's…he's…"

Peter walked up to us and put his hand on my shoulder.

"We had a close call this morning, but he's stable as of right now."

"A close call," Dad questioned.

Charlotte released me from her arms, but kept my hand firmly in hers as Peter explained. I could see the pain etched in his face. It was the same pain I saw in my own father's face only it was much more intense and shattered the few remaining pieces of my broken heart. Every time I had seen Peter in the past, he was the epitome of strength, an attribute Jasper inherited.

"Uh…he went into cardiac arrest this morning. The doctor said we lost him for a few moments, but they were able to revive him, thank God."

My knees gave out and I slumped to the floor. Charlotte screamed and Dad ran to my side.

"Edward! Are you alright?"

I stared blankly at the wall in front of me, thinking about my dream.

"My dream," I mumbled.

Both of my parents frowned sadly as Peter and Charlotte came closer and kneeled on the floor beside me.

"What dream, hun," Charlotte asked.

I looked into her eyes, which were so much like Jasper's, and let out a strangled sob. "I dreamed that Jasper came to me and told me loved me. He asked me not to forget him and then evaporated right before my eyes. I tried to reach out for him, but I couldn't hold on to him! He was right there and I couldn't do anything to make him stay. He slipped right through my fingers!"

My mother pulled me close and gently rocked me back and forth as my tears flowed freely now. Charlotte took my hand in hers once again and tried to soothe me.

_Why was everyone standing around trying to soothe me? I should be soothing Peter and Charlotte. They almost lost their son not once, but TWICE and I'm here breaking down while they put their own grief aside to help me!_

_It was because of my selfishness that everything turned to shit in the first place!_

I was through with being the victim. Jasper told me he was proud of me in my dream and I was not going to let him down by being weak and fragile. Peter told us that the doctors were able to revive and stabilize him, so that means that he's alive.

I sat straight up, surprising everyone around me.

"Can I see him?"

"Now that he's stable, the doctor said we can see him, but only one at a time. Me and Charlotte just visited with him, so please go 'head," Peter said.

I nodded my head as Charlotte gave me a small smile and told me where I could find his room. Before I walked out, Dad lightly grabbed my arm.

"We'll be right here, son, if you need us."

"Thanks, Dad."

I hugged him tightly before taking a deep breath and walking to Jasper's room.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x  
><em>

Slowly pushing open the door that led to Jasper's hospital room, my eyes immediately fell upon his sleeping form. There were wires and tubes everywhere and it was all that I could do not to break down again. As I stepped closer, I noticed the pale, grayish tone of his skin, his dry lips, and the dullness of his hair. Even in this state he was still the most beautiful man in the world. I watched his chest rise and fall in synch with the whooshing sound of the respirator. As quietly as I could, I pulled up a chair next to his bed and sat down. For the longest time I just stared at him, memorizing his features. I laid my hand on top of his and felt an instant calm and warmth radiate through my body.

"Hey, Jasper," I whispered. "It's me, Edward. I know I may not be the person you want sitting next to you and holding your hand, but I just want to let you know that I'm here and that I'm so damned proud of you for what you did. Part of me wants to yell at you for putting yourself in danger like that, but I know you. You would never stand by and deny help to those who needed it, even if it meant giving your own life."

Warm tears fell onto my cheeks, but I quickly wiped them away and continued.

"Jasper, when my parents told me what happened to you, I have to admit I lost it. The thought of losing you forever hit me so hard I became frantic, mostly because there are so many things that I needed to say to you. First I want to tell you how sorry I am. I know I've said this to you before, but I can't say it enough. When I think back to that day and the hateful things I said, I just want to…I don't even know, but I feel horrible. Even though I was completely out of it, one image seared itself in my memory: the look in your eyes when I told you I hated you. Jasper, you don't know how much I've beaten myself up over that. I didn't hate you. I don't think I could. I was angry and felt set up, but now looking back at the situation with a clear head, I understand that you and my family were just trying to get me the help I desperately needed."

The heart monitor at Jasper's side beeped steadily and I felt a small sense of relief.

_He's going to be okay. _

"I'm now eleven months clean," I said with a weak smile. "It's been a long, tough road, but I needed to do it. I also want to make you proud of me. Even after you moved down here, I still thought about you and I wanted to be a better man; not just for myself, but for you also."

I watched as his eyelids fluttered and his eyes moved back and forth as if he were dreaming.

"I miss you, Jasper. I've missed you so much it physically hurts. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me for what I've done, but I hope you'll at least consider it. I love you so much! Please come back to me. I would give anything just to have one more chance with you - a chance to show you what a wonderful man you are and treat you how you deserve to be treated."

Pulling his hand up to my mouth, I gently kissed it.

"You're everything to me, Jasper, and this world wouldn't be the same without you. Please fight, if not for me, then for your parents. They need you too. Please fight!"

I didn't even realize I was standing until I felt my lips brush against his forehead. As I pulled back, I gently pushed his hair to the side and looked at his angelic face.

"I love you, Jasper."

It was so faint I'm surprised I even noticed it, but at that moment I felt pressure on my hand. I looked down quickly and saw Jasper's hand squeezing my own. Returning my gaze to his face, I saw his eyes slowly opening. He blinked a few times and focused on me, a lone tear falling into this disheveled hair. I smiled brightly through my tears as my heart swelled with love, joy and pride.

He was fighting.

He was going to be okay.

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><p><strong>Since many of you have expressed interest in learning more about Edward and Jasper, their relationship and what happens next, I'll most likely continue this in the near future. :) Put this on story alert to ensure you receive the updates! <strong>


	2. He Won't Go

**A/N: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**I just want to say I'm overwhelmed by the response I've received for this story so far! Thank you to everyone who wrote reviews, put the story on alert and/or placed it on their favorites list. I really appreciate it!**

**Thank you to my beta, content1!**

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><p><em>I heard his voice today<br>I didn't know a single word he said  
>Not one resemblance to the man I met<br>Just a vacant broken boy instead._

_Will he...will he still remember me?  
>Will he still love me even when he's free?<br>Or will he go back to the place where he would choose the poison over me?_

_Adele  
>He Won't Go<em>

Fire

Pain

Darkness

Numbness

Experiencing the odd sensation of free falling, I tried to get my bearings. My body felt leaden and weak. I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't. I tried to move my arms and legs, but I felt paralyzed.

_What's wrong with me?_

I thought hard and tried to figure out what was going on and why I couldn't move my body. Had I been in an accident and buried under debris? Was I in the midst of a weird dream? Was I…dead?

Suddenly, it all came back to me, images flashing through my mind like an old fashioned film.

I sat in one of my favorite coffee shops reading the newspaper. It was a day like any other. People were placing their orders, chatting quietly, reading, typing away on the computer. I looked to my right and saw a lady ask her children to stay put while she placed her order. They both nodded their heads and focused their attention on a big picture book.

As I returned my gaze back to the sports page, I heard the bell at the coffee shop's entrance ring.

"Can I have everyone's attention please?" the stranger shouted.

All eyes turned to him with confused curiosity.

"America is going to hell with all of the sin in the world."

With those words people rolled their eyes, laughed quietly or just turned their attention back to whatever they were doing. Weird people were around us all the time, especially in this city, so we thought nothing of this stranger's odd diatribe.

"God told me I should eradicate all of the sinners of the world and cleanse the land so that the pure may inherit the earth!"

Before I could even register what he said, gunshots rang out. Patrons immediately ducked and tried to take cover. I crouched down and watched in horror as the stranger pointed his gun at innocent people and fired without thought or remorse. He began walking through the shop, shooting anyone who had the misfortune of being nearby. My mind raced as I tried to figure out how to either stop this crazed man or get others to safety. As he progressed further into the shop, he proceeded to trap us. There was no way we could get around him without being in the line of fire.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the sounds of the two children next to me screaming and crying. They were both huddled under the table, tears streaming down their faces and gripping onto each other with all their might. I quickly crawled over to the kids and whispered to them that everything would be okay and that we needed to move out from under the table. They both stared at me in wide-eyed wonder. I could tell they were trying to figure out if they should come with me or not, as the little boy looked around in search of his mother. I wasn't sure what happened to her and didn't even want to entertain the thought that she'd been shot.

The gunman approached our table, and I pulled the children close to my chest and turned my back towards him in an effort to shield them in case he aimed his fire toward us. Fortunately, he walked right past, and I took the opportunity to grab the kids and move towards the front door. Remaining crouched, I pushed the children ahead of me and quickly moved towards the entrance. Trying to block out the screams, the sounds of gunshots and the unmistakable sound of limp, lifeless bodies falling to the floor, I remained focused. I needed to get these kids, myself, and anyone else I could help to safety.

I'd just managed to push the boy behind the high counter when the assailant yelled out, "The Lord will bring judgment upon all the sinners of the world!"

I turned and saw his gun pointed straight at me. Frozen with fear, I'd somehow managed to push the little girl behind the counter to join her brother, when I suddenly felt fire spreading through my chest. The force of the bullets knocked me on my back, and I struggled for breath. I vaguely heard screaming and more gunshots before it all became too much.

_This was it. I was going to die._

A calming darkness started to take over. I knew I was losing consciousness, but I needed to know if the kids were okay. I turned my head to the left and saw them hiding in a corner behind the counter, where I'd placed them, their eyes filled with tears, but remaining absolutely quiet. They were in shock.

"Don't worry," I whispered, my voice sounding like gravel and grit. "You'll be okay."

They nodded in unison as I slowly closed my eyes. What people say in movies and books was true, because as soon as my lids met my cheeks, images of my loved ones appeared.

Mom and Dad

Angela

Riley

Carlisle and Esme

Edward

Physical pain notwithstanding, my emotional pain seemed ten times worse. The thought of never seeing them again made my heart feel as though it were shattering into millions of jagged pieces.

_How would Mom and Dad deal with my death?_

_Angela would no longer have a big brother._

_Riley would no longer have a best friend._

_Carlisle and Esme would lose their honorary son._

_Edward would lose his soul mate…this time forever._

If I could have wept, I'm sure I would have. There were so many things I wanted to say to each of them, but it looked as though that would never happen. I just prayed that their grief wouldn't be too hard on them. I didn't want them to cry for me. I wanted them to live long, happy lives and remember me fondly.

Regardless of all the shit we'd been through, I was definitely going to miss Edward the most. I'd originally come to Austin to get away from the haunting memories of our decimated relationship. We'd spoken only a couple of times since he entered rehab and each of the instances, while strained and slightly awkward, warmed my heart - each conversation showing me his growth. I never stopped loving Edward, but in our situation, love was not enough. He needed to get himself together before he could even think about loving me the way he once had. I'd accepted the end of our relationship and tried to move on, but he was always in the back of my mind and firmly lodged in my heart.

He was my heart.

As part of his recovery, Edward was tasked with making amends to all of the people he'd wrong during his drug use and subsequent spiral into addiction. He'd first sent an email to me asking if we could speak on the phone because there was something he needed to say to me. Part of me wanted to ignore his request. I'd just gotten to the point where it didn't hurt to breathe, and I didn't want him to open up wounds that had started to heal a little. The other part of me wanted to hear him out and hoped he'd gotten the help he needed and was changing his life for the better. Obviously that side won.

That first conversation, we spoke to each other like strangers rather than the best friends and lovers we'd been for four years. I could tell he was nervous and he could probably sense my skepticism.

"I'm sorry, Jas," he said.

His sincerity and conviction were palpable. I could feel it in the tremble of his voice. Closing my eyes, I forced myself not to get my hopes up or let my guard down. It would be so easy to fall back under his spell, but I couldn't let that happen. Not until I was sure my heart would be safe with him and at that point in time I doubted that would ever be.

"I'm not expecting your forgiveness," he continued. "But I needed you to know that I regret what happened between us. I broke us."

I was silent, unable to think of anything to say. My heart broke all over again when I heard his sob on the other end of the line.

"Edward, I accept your apology," I whispered.

I tried in vain to keep my emotions in check, but it was so hard not to want to sympathize with and comfort the man I still loved.

He sniffled and spoke once more.

"I just don't want you to hate me. Of course I want everyone else's forgiveness, but you're the one I hurt the most."

Tears started to fall down my cheeks as I listened to him cry.

"Edward…"

"No, Jas, just let me finish. I may never hold your heart or even be your friend ever again, but I want you to know that not a day passes that I don't wish I could take back all of the things I said and did. I don't want you to think of me as the junkie who couldn't control himself. I want you to think of me a good person."

"You are a good person…a good person who made bad decisions."

"If you say so."

"I know so. I'll always have faith in you, Edward."

"Well, at least one of us does."

There was nothing more I could say. He was still stuck in a midst of self-loathing, and I couldn't stand to listen to it anymore. After a few more words and promises to stay in touch, I hung up the phone. Sighing, I wracked my brain once again wondering what I could have done differently; if I could have protected Edward or at least shielded him from the demons who crept up on him when he least expected and sunk their claws in deep - so deep that not even my love could pull them out.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x_

I was now fully consumed by darkness, feeling oddly peaceful and content. I admit I freaked out a bit because darkness wasn't how I envisioned heaven, but on the bright side, it certainly didn't feel like hell. I wondered if I was possibly stuck in purgatory and had unfinished business to attend to. I didn't mind though. While dark, I felt warm, safe and at ease.

Suddenly a surge of energy jolted through me and I felt as though I was knocked to me feet, which was odd because I wasn't sure if I even had a body. A flash of light swept past me and I noticed I was in a colorful field. Flowers of every hue covered the ground and trees, tall and strong, surrounded me. A soft breeze and the warmth of the sun caressed my skin and a sweet smell tantalized my nostrils.

_I must be in heaven now. This is beautiful._

I walked around briefly exploring my new surroundings and wondered if I would ever encounter any one else or if this was going to be my own personal slice of paradise.

Just then, the hairs on my neck stood on end and I broke out in goose bumps. The only thing, or person, who could do that to me with his presence alone was Edward.

_But that can't be. No! Please, God, no!_

I turned my head and nearly fell to my knees. The sight before me was more beautiful than anything I'd seen in my new home so far.

_Edward._

He stood before me looking as gorgeous at the first day I'd laid eyes on him - before responsibilities, stress, and addiction ravaged him.

"Edward," I said breathlessly.

He smiled and put the sun to shame with its intensity and beauty. I stepped closer to him and ran my knuckles across his cheek. His skin felt like silk and my heart swelled when he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch.

"I'm so glad I found you," he said to me.

My stomach dropped as I thought about the implications of his words and prayed like hell that he wasn't in my current state of being.

"Edward, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here!"

I started to become frantic.

Edward took a step forward and engulfed me in his arms.

"Shhh," he soothed. "Calm down, Jas."

Pulling him closer, I shook my head against his shoulder.

"How can I be calm knowing that you're…you're…here with me!"

Edward laughed as if I'd just said something ridiculously silly.

"Jasper, this is where I'm supposed to be…with you!"

"But not at the cost of your life! I want nothing more than to spend eternity with you, but not if you have to give up you life. I can wait for you and when the time is right, I'll be here waiting."

"Jasper, stop! I'm not dead."

"What? Then what are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you something."

I steeled myself because I wasn't sure of what he was going to say. He's not dead, but he's here in my heaven.

_What in the world does he have to tell me?_

Pulling back a little, Edward looked deep into my eyes and smiled again. If I'd been alive, I'm sure my heart would have skipped a beat because he grinned and it wasn't just any grin. He grinned his deliciously adorable crooked one that always made me melt.

_God, I'm falling in love with him all over again! Maybe having him here wouldn't be such a bad idea…_

"Jasper, I want to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For everything I did."

I backed away from Edward, but still maintained contact.

"Edward, I already accepted your apology. Please stop."

"It's not just that, Love, even though I am incredibly sorry for my actions and putting you and our relationship through hell. I'm apologizing for wasting time."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been clean for almost a year now, but for the past five months, I've been trying to figure out how to win you back. Instead of just taking a chance and finding you in Austin, I bid my time and lost myself in thought. We could have been happy together for months now."

"I had no idea. I mean, I always hoped we might work things out, but I wasn't holding my breath."

Edward winced and I immediately regretted my words, but Edward needed to know the truth. After everything that happened, I promised myself I would never hide my feelings ever again, even if it hurt someone else's in the process.

He sighed and ran his hand down my arm until it fell into my hand.

"Don't beat yourself up for telling me the truth. I don't blame you for not getting your hopes up, and you have every right to feel that way. I just hope I can make it up to you."

A smile spread across my face as I gazed upon the healthy and mature man before me.

"I love you, Jas," he whispered.

I released a shuddering breath as he moved closer and held my head in his hands.

"I love you," he repeated reverently while lightly kissing me.

"Forever," he murmured against my lips.

I felt warm streams falling down my face and realized I was crying.

We both opened our eyes and stared at each other. I felt like our souls were reconnecting after far too long apart.

Warmth once again spread through my chest, but it felt weird. It wasn't peaceful or sweet. It was painful.

"Jasper, what's wrong," Edward asked.

I shook my head confused. "I-I don't know."

As I looked at Edward's beautiful face, he started to literally fade right before my eyes. I tried to hold on to him tighter, but he was quickly slipping through my fingers.

"Edward! Don't go," I screamed.

"I'll see you soon, my love," he said with a blinding smile. "Soon."

"Edward, please! I love you! Don't leave me again!"

"I love you too, Jas," he said before he disappeared altogether.

Overcome with grief and still struggling with the increasing pain in my chest, I fell to my knees and sobbed.

_I lost him again. I'm in hell._

Before I even had time to mourn the loss of Edward, I was catapulted into darkness once again. Contentment returned and I was happy to be rid of my personal hell. I'd rather stay in darkness than lose my angel over and over again. I would just stay here for the rest of eternity and hope that when the time came, Edward would join me.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x_

"I…missed…..hurts…..I hope…..come…..to me…..chance…..wonderful…..treat…..deserve."

Random words flooded my mind as I tried to figure out what was going on. In the midst of the words, I noticed the constant sound of beeping off to my side. A soft whoosh of air filled my chest and the unmistakable smell of disinfectant filled my nostrils.

_Where am I now?_

I tried to move, but my body, once again, felt heavy and numb. I started to panic because no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't open my eyes. I focused on the sounds around me. Other than the beeping and the air whooshing, my surroundings were virtually silent…except for one sound.

"I love you, Jasper."

Upon hearing those words, I instantly felt the undeniable warmth of lips gently caressing my forehead; I smelled the familiar intoxicating scent I once treasured; and I felt long fingers gently push my hair behind my ear.

All of these sensations felt like home.

They were good.

They were right.

They were Edward.

Determined to know if I was imagining things, I focused on opening my eyes. I willed myself with every ounce of energy I could muster to make them open. When I saw a sliver of white light break through the darkness, I realized I achieved success. I somehow convinced my body to cooperate further and blinked rapidly, trying to regain focus.

I laid eyes upon the beautiful angel I'd just lost and couldn't stop the tear that slid down my cheek. Edward beamed. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but realized I couldn't due to some sort of contraption in my mouth. I must have looked scared because Edward reached out and lightly ran his hand over my forehead to soothe me.

"Shhh, don't try to talk, Jasper. You're still hooked up the respirator. Hold on just a second while I get the nurse."

He turned to leave, but then spun around quickly and leaned in, tears filling his eyes.

"Thank you for coming back to me. I promise I won't let you down again."

I don't know when Edward and the nurse returned because I kept falling back into the peaceful darkness over and over again. I was able to open my eyes for a few minutes and then I'd slip away once again. I saw my parents, Peter and Carlisle and Esme, each of them looking worried, but relieved. Doctors and nurses moved about the room, poking and prodding me, and asking questions. The one constant during all of this was Edward. Through everything, he was right by my side, sometimes holding my hand, other times gently rubbing my shoulder, neck or forehead. He touched me at every opportunity and for that I was grateful. Even with all of our issues, he still grounded me. All he had to do was smile at me and I knew all was right in the world.

_x~x~x~x~x~x~x_

Finally, I was strong enough to sit up in bed for a decent amount of time, but I was itching for more movement. The only time I really moved was to go to the bathroom or shower. I hated not being able to do things for myself, but two bullets to the chest certainly made me sit back, take stock and thank God for the help provided. As I started the healing process, Edward and I would talk occasionally, but left the really heavy topics for another time. Carlisle and Esme headed home with firm instructions to check in each and every day.

One afternoon, Edward bounded into the room and told me I had some special visitors. I groaned because I felt like there had been a nonstop stream of people vying for my attention. Reporters tried on numerous occasions to infiltrate the hospital to get an interview, but thankfully no one made it through. I was sure I wouldn't be so lucky when I left the hospital.

"Who is it this time," I asked, already exhausted.

"I think you'll be happy to see these visitors. Just for a few minutes, okay? They really want to talk to you."

I nodded my head and watched as Edward opened the door. My eyes widened as two children walked into the room with a woman following close behind. Something about them seemed so familiar, but I couldn't quite place their faces.

Edward smiled down at them and said, "Jasper, this is Brady and Emily Ramirez, the two children you saved at the coffee shop."

Images flooded my mind as I finally remembered. They looked older as if the experience had aged them a few years. What really looked different was that they wore the biggest smiles on their faces!

"Thank you, Mr. Whitlock," they exclaimed in unison.

Laughter bubbled in my chest and came out sounding like a bark. I couldn't help it though. Seeing their adorable, smiling faces made me feel like a kid again and I wanted to relish in it.

They turned to the woman behind them who held balloons and a huge vase of flowers. Edward took them from her and placed them at the window.

"Mr. Whitlock, my name is Maria Ramirez and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did for my children. Without you, I may have lost both of them."

She struggled to continue as tears streamed down her face.

"You risked your life for my little ones, and I don't know what I can do to repay you. We lost their father a year ago and the thought of losing them…"

She broke down and sobbed. Edward stepped closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. I tried to keep my emotions in check because I didn't want Brady and Emily to react negatively to the strong emotions in the room.

"Mrs. Ramirez, it was my pleasure. I couldn't leave Brady and Emily by themselves while that wild man took out his anger. I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"Mr. Whitlock, you are an angel."

I laughed to myself. "Please call me Jasper, Mrs. Ramirez, and I'm far from an angel. I just did what any decent human being would have done."

"You don't give yourself enough credit, Jasper."

"Mrs. Ramir…"

"Maria, please."

"Maria, I…" I was at a loss for words. Edward left Maria's side, walked over to me and held my hand firmly in his.

"She's right, Jasper. You are an angel. You were willing to give up you life to save the lives of two strangers."

At that point, I couldn't contain my tears any longer as they left wet trails of gratitude down my cheeks.

Brady and Emily walked closer to my bed and smiled at me. Emily reached out and placed a crystal angel on the bed next to me. I picked it up and was astonished by its simplistic beauty. At the bottom, etched into the glass, it read, _For our guardian angel. Love, Brady & Emily Ramirez_.

"Thank you for helping us, Mr. Jasper," Brady said.

"We'll never forget what you did for us," Emily added.

Each taking a turn, Brady and Emily leaned forward to carefully hug me. I hugged them back with every bit of strength I had and was thankful they were safe and unharmed.

"We'd better go now," Maria said.

The kids nodded their heads and turned to leave. Before they left, I called out to them. "Brady! Emily! How about when I'm out of the hospital and strong enough, we go to Austin's Park to play video games, ride the go-carts and eat enough pizza to make us sick? With your Mom's permission, of course?"

Brady and Emily nearly bounced up and down as their faces lit up and they looked up at their mom. She smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

"Great! I'll see you soon then! Be good for you mom, okay?"

"Okay," they both said.

"Um, Mr. Jasper, would it be okay for us to visit you again before you leave the hospital," Brady nervously asked.

"Of course, Brady! You're welcome anytime!"

He smiled and grabbed his mother's hand as the three of them walked out of my hospital room.

"Bye," the three of them called out before the door closed behind them.

I sighed and held the crystal angel in my hands. Edward approached and kissed my forehead, something he hadn't done since I first woke up. When I looked up at him, he looked so happy and proud. I ducked my head and smiled shyly.

"They seemed like really great kids."

"Yeah," I said. "Hopefully I can stay in touch with them. This experience, although horrific, seems to have bound us together somehow. We're all survivors and I want to be there for them in any way possible."

"You are an incredible human being," Edward whispered.

"Thank you. Now stop all this. I'm getting embarrassed."

"I only speak the truth."

"I know."

"There's also something else I wanted to say to you."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

My entire body froze and the air stilled. I looked at Edward whose smile seemed to be fading by the second.

"I-I know there are still a lot of things we need to work out, but I just wanted to let you know I feel. You don't have to say it back or anything. I just figur…"

I put my finger across his lips to quiet him.

"I know, Edward. It was you telling me that you loved me that gave me the strength to open my eyes in the first place."

"What?"

"You're words…your love brought me out of the darkness."

"Really?"

I nodded my head. Before I knew what hit me, Edward's hand carefully wrapped around the back of my neck and he leaned in to kiss me ever so gently. I relished in the feel of his soft warm lips against mine, something I hadn't felt in far too long. He leaned back slightly and rested his forehead against mine.

"Damn, I love you so much, Jasper."

"I love you too, Edward. Forever."

* * *

><p><strong>:)<strong>

**There's more to come! The following chapters will deal with the aftermath of the shooting and Edward and Jasper reconnecting. **

**RachelxMichelle created a lovely banner for the story that you can check out in my profile. **


	3. In the City

**A/N: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.**

**Sorry it's taken forever to get this chapter out! I decided to concentrate on some of my other stories and before I knew it, months had flown by.**

**Warning: This chapter contains drug use and some uncomfortable situations.**

* * *

><p><em>Every day I'm a star in the city<br>Walk the streets like a wanted man  
>All the time got my shine lookin' pretty<br>Motherfuckers all know who I am_

_Kevin Rudolf  
><em>_In the City_

**EPOV**

Jasper stayed in the hospital another three days before he was released. Even though his parents were present and offered to help Jasper get settled at home, I insisted that I take care of him. I was met with equally curious and confused looks, but I needed to be near Jasper and prove to him that I'm worthy of his love.

I completely understood why Charlotte and Peter may have been leery about me suddenly proclaiming that I, someone who had been M.I.A. for almost a year and treated their son like shit for a year before that, was going to care for him better than they could. But I was back, both physically and emotionally, and nothing, save him telling me to go, was going to make me leave Jasper's side. I now had a second chance, and I wasn't going to fuck it up again.

As Jasper and Peter were collecting the last of Jasper's things and waiting for the nurse to arrive with his wheelchair, I pulled Charlotte aside.

"Um, may I speak to you for a second in private?"

Looking up at me with those warm, blue eyes that had been passed down to her son, she nodded her head and followed me out of the room.

"What's wrong, Edward?"

"I, uh…I just want to let you know that you don't have to worry about Jasper. I plan on taking good care of him."

"There was never any doubt that you would," she said, smiling.

"Given our history and had badly I screwed things up before, I understand if you're nervous about me being back in Jasper's life."

"Well, I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit nervous."

I looked down at the ground as waves of guilt and pain barreled through me.

"I'll never forgive myself for how I treated him," I whispered.

"Hush now," Charlotte said while grabbing my hand. "I know things were rough between you two and that you made some bad mistakes in the past, but from what your parents told me, you've been doing well with your recovery and rebuilding your life. Don't underestimate yourself, sweetie."

"But all of that means nothing if I don't have Jasper by my side."

"Well, that's something you and my son will have to work out on your own. I have a feeling Jasper's already forgiven you. The question is can you forgive yourself?"

I took in her words as I lifted my gaze to the woman who gave Jasper life.

"I don't know. I was an asshole. Pardon my language."

Charlotte just smiled. One thing I did remember after all these years with Jasper was that he rarely cursed in front of a lady and especially his mother. However, there just wasn't a nice way to describe my behavior.

"Honey, that's all in the past. What matters now is that you've learned from your mistakes. As long as you don't continue to make the same ones, you'll be fine. In these last few days, I've seen a change in you."

"Really," I asked, surprised.

"Yes. You're the nice young man my son originally fell in love with, not the arrogant person he turned into two years ago."

Arrogant was right and she didn't even see half of it. When I discovered my drug of choice, cocaine, my life turned upside down. When I was on it, I felt invincible, like I could do no wrong and everyone could go fuck themselves if they thought differently. The truly ugly side of me came out when the white powder was gone, and I was down on my hands and knees literally licking whatever surface I had used for my lines.

_Shit, I was so stupid._

I don't know why I thought Jasper wouldn't notice the change in me. He knew me better than anyone and was always so observant. I was hanging out with some friends one night when I was introduced to Mike. He seemed like a nice enough guy at the time, but he was definitely a partier. He could drink all of us under the table and seemed to have endless energy. Now I knew why.

Jasper wasn't around the night Mike offered me my first hit. I often wonder how things may have turned out if I'd had Jasper there to tell me what I dumbass I was being.

"Hey, Edward, you want to try some?"

I looked down at Mike's hand which contained a smile vial of the white powder that would become my best friend and lover for the next year of my life.

"I don't know, man. I don't do that stuff."

"Come on. It's just a little bit. You won't get addicted if you use it moderation. Besides, sex on this shit is _amazing_!"

That perked my ears right up. Jasper and I had a pretty healthy sex life, but if I could improve that experience for the both us? Hell yeah!

Looking at Mike, I nodded my head.

"Okay, but just a little. If Jasper finds out about this, he'll kill me."

"Don't worry, Edward. Everything will be fine. I'm sure Jasper will be thanking you."

Since I had no idea what I was doing, Mike had to demonstrate everything for me. He methodically poured a small amount of the powder onto a small mirror he carried with him and cut it into perfectly straight lines. He then rolled dollar bill, put it up to a nostril and proceeded to inhale the substance. He quickly lifted and tilted his head back to allow gravity to help the drug on its way down and ensure nothing escaped.

"See," he said, sniffing repeatedly. "Nothing to it. Now you try."

He made it look so easy, so I took out my own dollar, rolled it just like Mike's and slowly lowered my head to the mirror. A small voice in the back of my head told me to get the hell out there, but I just wanted to let loose and have some fun. Plus, I'd be going home to my sexy as hell boyfriend and have the wonderful pleasure of fucking his brains out. It was a win-win situation.

Placing the small cylindrical tube in my nostril, I hesitated for another moment.

"Just do it fast, Edward. It won't bite you."

And that's exactly what I did. Inhaling quickly, I picked up the white powder and felt it hit the back of my throat. Imitating Mike, I lifted my head and tilted it back. My eyes began to water, causing me to blink rapidly, and my nose started running. I swallowed a few times and noticed the faint numbness in the back of my throat. As the drug began to work its way into my system, I suddenly had moment of startling clarity. Everything seemed brighter…crisper…sharper. I felt like Bradley Cooper's character in the movie _Limitless_. My world suddenly came into focus, changing from plain black and white to shocking color. I could do no wrong and no one could touch me.

It was in that one moment that my life was changed and officially became fucked up. I just didn't know it yet.

Returning home later that night, I practically pounced on Jasper. Prior to leaving Mike, I managed to take about five more hits, so my mind was running at a hundred miles an hour and I wanted to ravage my boyfriend. Mike said sex was amazing on this stuff, so I intended to find out.

As I kissed Jasper, biting his lips and roughly running my hands through his hair, he laughed nervously, pulled back and said, "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing," I half moaned and half whispered. "I want to fuck you…hard."

His eyes widened and seemed to darken with the dilation of his pupils. I pulled him in for a rough kiss, devouring him in an effort to get even closer. My hands quickly pulled his shirt over his head, breaking apart our connection for only the briefest of moments. My tongue literally dove into his mouth as I caressed every surface I could reach.

Moans filled the room, and I felt like I was about to explode. Jasper kept making moves to slow things down a bit, but I was having none of that. Mike was right. Every touch, every breath, every kiss was magnified and it felt fucking incredible.

Pulling away slightly, I almost violently unbuttoned Jasper's jeans and pulled them down, grabbing his boxers in the process. Falling to my knees ungracefully, I took Jasper's hard cock into my mouth and sucked for all it was worth. Jasper seemed to be warring with himself. Something was going through his mind, but I was too focused on his cock in my mouth to care. One minute, he would push me away and I thought he was going to tell me to stop, but then he suddenly run his hands through my hair and gently pull me back. I didn't have time to figure out what was going on. I just wanted to fuck his brains out, and I needed him to come so I could enjoy this thorough fucking.

"Mmmm….uh….fuck….Edward," Jasper screamed as I pulled him deep into my throat as he exploded and filled my mouth and throat with his cum.

Moaning, I pulled off of his dick and made a show of wiping my mouth with the back of my hand while smiling smugly. Jasper was too blissed out to even know what hit him. I quickly pushed him down on the bed. Grabbing the lube and a condom from the nightstand, I got to work preparing him. We often switched back and forth, but tonight, I wanted to claim him in the most primal of ways.

I quickly slipped one, two and finally three fingers inside of Jasper's body, eagerly stretching him for me. He grunted and whimpered occasionally, but I just interpreted it as sounds of pleasure and surprise. Spreading a good amount of lube on my cock, I lined myself up and pushed forward. Jasper clenched his jaw and took a deep breath through his nose, which for some weird reason, turned me on even more. Not giving him much time to adjust, I began to pump in and out of him, snapping my hips and moaning at the sound of our skin slapping.

Feeling as though I was having an out-of-body experience, I thrust my hips at a feverish pace.

"Yeah, you like that don't you, Jasper? You love my big cock claiming your ass." I whispered next to his ear.

He remained silent, only releasing a few grunts here and there. In my cocaine haze, I convinced myself that he was enjoying this just as much as I was. I continued to chase my release until finally all of my muscles tensed and screamed out. Collapsing on top of Jasper, I struggled to catch my breath and will my already frantic heartbeat to slow down.

Pulling out of him, I faintly heard Jasper hiss as I made my way to the bathroom to quickly clean up. When I returned to the bedroom, Jasper was silent. I laid down next to him and intended on wrapping my arm around him and telling him I loved him, but he suddenly stood up and walked to the bathroom, limping slightly.

"You okay," I called out only to be met with silence.

I figured I'd just wait until he came back to talk to him.

I tried to stay awake.

I wanted to stay awake.

I had every intention of staying awake.

As my eyes slid closed and my body relaxed, I told myself I'd talk to Jasper in the morning.

_**x~x~x~x~x~x~x**_

Waking from one of the deepest sleeps I'd ever had, I opened my eyes to see our bedroom illuminated with a warm yellow glow from the sun. Reaching over to Jasper's side of the bed, I quickly noticed that he wasn't there. I also noticed small spots of dark red on the sheets. A feeling of dread coursed through me as I quickly got out of bed, put on some pajama bottoms and headed out to the kitchen.

It was even brighter out here and I had to shield my eyes from the blaring sunlight. Walking into the living room, I saw Jasper curled up and lying on his side, his face practically pressed against the back of the couch.

_What the hell is he doing out here? Did he never come back to bed last night?_

I kneeled next to him and gently tried to awaken him.

"Jasper," I whispered. "Jasper, wake up."

His eyes opened slowly and blinked a few times.

"Why are you sleeping out here?"

He turned his head and looked at me as if I were a stranger.

"I..I couldn't sleep, so I came out here for a while," he murmured.

"Are you okay?"

He stared at me for a few moments, making me uncomfortable under his intense gaze. Standing abruptly, he winced and slowly walked into the kitchen with me following closely behind.

"You're in pain."

His head whipped around and he stared at me so hard that if looks could kill, I would have been stricken dead in 2.3 seconds.

"Jasper," I started, but he held his hand up to silence me.

"I don't know what came over you last night, Edward, but you scared the hell out of me. I kept telling you to stop, but..but you wouldn't."

My heart broke as I watched his chin tremble and his eyes avert to the floor.

"You've never been like that with me before. No matter what I did, I couldn't get you to stop. I even said you were hurting me, but you just kept fucking me."

Tears filled his eyes and I took a step forward to try to comfort him, but he flinched and took a step back.

"Jasper, I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize."

"I'm not surprised. You seemed to be in your own world last night. Everything was okay until you started prepping me. It's like something snapped and you became this other person…a person I don't ever want to see again."

I felt sick to my stomach. I'd actually _hurt_ Jasper last night and didn't even know it? He said that he asked me to stop, but I don't remember anything of the sort.

_Oh __my __god. __It __had __to __have __been __the __coke. __I__'__m _never _doing __that __shit __again._

"Jasper, I'm so sorry. I must have had too much to drink last night. It'll never happen again. I hate myself for hurting you like that."

He stared blankly as I spoke. I couldn't help but think, as I looked into his sad, vacant eyes, that a piece of Jasper's spirit died. He was always so happy, positive and smiling. Now he looked remorseful, pained and broken.

Taking a deep breath, he said, "I'm going to go take a bath before I make some phone calls and try to schedule an appointment."

"An appointment for what?"

"I'm just going to go to the doctor to make sure everything's…okay."

_Oh god._

For some who stood 6'3", he looked so small and childlike standing before me.

"Would you like me to come with you? I'll take the day off."

He shook his head furiously. "No, I'll go by myself."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded his head, turned and walked slowly to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Tears that I had been holding back sprang free and slid down my cheeks.

_I hurt him!  
><em>

_I can't believe I fucking hurt him like that and now he has to go the doctor!_

_He'll never let me touch him again, but I don't blame him. I wouldn't want an animal to touch me either._

_Please forgive me, Jasper._

_**x~x~x~x~x~x~x**_

The next few weeks were filled with me trying to regain Jasper's trust and subsequently falling deeper and deeper into depression when he didn't immediately jump into my arms, forgive and forget. Fortunately, his injuries weren't too bad and didn't leave any permanent scars….physically. Emotionally, he was very leery of me and any sort of affection. He still told me he loved me and eventually became comfortable enough to return to our bed, but he would sleep with his back to me curled up in a tight ball. I would wait until he was asleep to slide closer and pull him next to me. Silent tears fell as I prayed that one day things would return to normal.

It was also during that time that I made more frequent visits to Mike. I was going to him at least twice a week and up to five times. Jasper pretty much kept to himself, so my absences didn't really affect him, or so I thought. I'll never forget the evening I came home to a very pissed off and suspicious Jasper.

"Where the hell have you been," he asked as I walked through the door.

Still tweaked from the eight ball I'd just ingested, I tried to slow down my movements and appear normal.

"I was hanging out with friends."

"You've been hanging out with them a lot lately."

"Yeah, we'll you haven't been very friendly, so what am I supposed to do," I said, suddenly becoming very defensive.

He stood still for a moment and cut his eyes.

"Are you on something?"

"Why the hell would you think that?"

"Because I've been noticing your behavior lately. You fidget a lot and you're always wiping your nose or randomly scratching your face. What's wrong with you?"

Sticking my hands in my pockets to prevent them doing any of those things and prove him wrong, I looked at him like he was crazy.

"You're crazy. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Ever since…that night, you're not the same person. You stay out a lot; you don't call and I hardly see you anymore."

"Look, I apologized over and over again for that night. What more do you want? Do you want me to get down on my hands and knees and beg you for forgiveness? It's not like you'd magically want me anymore anyway. You haven't let me touch you since then!"

"Are you fucking surprised," he screamed. "I had to go to the doctor because of you. I never thought that _you_ would _ever_ hurt me like that!"

"Well, either get over it or shut the fuck up," I screamed in his face.

He flinched at my words and clenched his jaw.

I couldn't stand to see the hurt in his eyes, so I picked up my jacket and headed back towards the door.

"Where are you going now," he asked.

"Away from you and this bullshit!"

Slamming the door behind me, I headed straight to the place where I knew I wouldn't be judged or have past mistakes thrown in my face.

_**x~x~x~x~x~x~x**_

"Edward," a soft, motherly voice said, interrupting my memories.

Returning to the present, I focused on Charlotte, who looked very concerned.

"Are you okay, Edward?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I zoned out for a minute"

Placing her hand on my forearm, she gave me a gentle squeeze. It was everything I needed at that moment.

Just then a nurse walked into the room with the wheelchair and Peter and I helped Jasper into it.

"Ready to go home," I asked.

He looked up at me and smiled, but something in his expression told me that he knew something wasn't quite right. I forced a smile upon my face and grabbed his hand as Peter pushed his wheelchair out of the room and towards the elevators.

I pulled my rental to the front of the hospital and helped get Jasper comfortable in the passenger seat.

"Are you sure you don't need us to help you get settled, son?"

Jasper shook his head as I climbed into the driver's seat.

Taking my hand in his, he said, "No, I think I'll be okay."

"Okay," Charlotte said. "Well, check in tomorrow and I'll bring over some of your favorites to eat."

"Thanks, Mom."

Charlotte leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. As soon as she pulled away, Peter was giving him a bear hug, careful not to squeeze too tightly.

"We'll see you soon, Edward," he said to me.

"Okay, Peter," I said with a forced smile.

"Take care of our boy," Charlotte said quietly while pushing a lock of Jasper's hair behind his ear.

"I promise."

_I won't let him down again._

We pulled out of the parking lot and Jasper gave me directions to his place. I was so nervous. I didn't want to fuck things up again and remembering the beginning stages of my downward spiral and the demise of our relationship put me on edge. I began to wonder if it was even a good idea for me to be here. Jasper needed someone stable, trustworthy, and reliable to take care of him, not someone selfish, vengeful and hateful like me. I'd tried so hard in the past eleven months to eradicate those behaviors, and succeeded according to my family and Jake, but I was still unsure of myself. Jasper was the one who received the most pain, the most hate and the most torment by my actions and I feared that no matter how much we loved each other, we'd never get past it.


End file.
